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When There is Evil in Life …

When there is evil in life, no one can train you on how to respond to evil, but the best way to overcome evil, is to not focus on things to get people thinking about it or assume that you embody it or that its an okay subject for you, that’s how you get misinterpreted as evil, and I think that’s because I grew up knowing OJ. I’m aware of the heightened rates of crimes involving knives, and I am too thinking about, what could decrease an impetus to do something involving a weapon connected to a famous crime? 

First off, I lead a disciplined life, as a blogger, I stay home, I don’t go out, I stay in my room, I only date people I know, I get tested, I see the doctor, I blog, journal, and share positive things online, or difficulties Im encountering socially. But fear is a heavy subject, It’s a feeling you get stuck with that’s hard to remove, so surround yourself with people who are aware of how extreme crime has become, and living equally responsible lives, that don’t cause you worry.

As someone with mental health issues on meds, diagnosed schizophrenia, this makes people watch me for patterns, reactions, what my face, body looks like, how I’m talking, what I look like, feel like, people sometimes think that if they can solve you, that means they can solve others, and this is what self-help writing is about, its to allow people to have feelings and not get scared and also recognize that everyone is human, so not to take things personally, and assertion of power or territory, are about those persons feelings, insecurities, and know how. So much not to do with who is around, and if so, then that much you have to accept to, the spaces you are not invited to convene and reminisce or share about your life with, there are certain boundaries in life that cannot be crossed, and its if people think you are sick, or if they get a bad feeling from you (because of your diagnosis) or if they fear their safety if you are out in the world being strong and independent, that’s hard for people to understand when someone with disability makes choices, or expresses themselves in movement. I assure you most people on the meds Im’ prescribed, don’t move, and stay home on disability and don’t work, its not easy to think and work and to motivate yourself, on these kinds of meds, and it doesn’t mean that I have a propensity for coming on too strong to others, its if you complain, and don’t understand why people are giving you a hard time, is because you don’t have a paying job and not social, and that’s hard for people to accept about you, and its easy when you stand out and you’re healthy, for people to be hard on you, as though you’ve not lived life, or are sheltered in a way, that you have not encountered what it feels like to be thrust with a power or energy that you don’t like or find offensive, that’s how particular people are these days, even as a woman, I feel like people complain if you are shiny or bright or awake, they think that there is something bad or off about you, prefer you ugly faced, or fat, and slow. 

Mostly I represent myself and everyone who has been helped by me, the only problem is that that information is not made known to me, so trust me when I say I get voices, if I ever made anyone disappointed or lived a bad life, or flaygrantly rude or messy about life, then yeah I would look like a chump or a nobody, and that’s life, you are who you are until you are somebody and if you aren’t somebody then you can get mistaken as improving off someone and then be punished and rejected as though you don’t deserve services or to be helped in life. So that’s living life as a victim of crime, most people ar not on social media and helping others, and most victims of crime don’t get sued and punished as though they are bad luck or calling upon negative attentions running counter to the interests of those around them, that would be allowing for or inviting for things to be too late, which has never happened to me, or too close to call, that a make or break decision, would allow for a worse circumstance to take its toll.

I think what this is really about is why is it so hard for people to just feel good and appreciate people as they are, why must someone like me live under constant threat, and what is the purpose for legally trying to illustrate that I’m not helpful or I’m a threat opposite of who I am and are towards people. I think a joke is a joke and has nothing to do with me. Who I love is my decision, I don’t make fun of women, I think I get made fun of, I have respect for those who still have their lives to live, and haven’t made as many mistakes as me to end up in the hospital, I think having a sense of pride is important for women, men, not just the gay community. So when are things jiving, when people don’t feel judged, and feel like they are doing good in the world, and they think that their experiences are meaningful and memorable. 

Recently things have become difficult. For a period I was allowed to talk to Todd, and for some reason am beside myself, over him being angry at me over something, that I have actively been working towards not making an issue, and think because whatever became an issue I was excluded from consideration made to look stupid, because I get voices and put on medications so that Im not stable and don’t feel good, which is why I lost 60 lbs, and got a job, doing my best to be an adult, and to not be in need, and that’s why Im publishing 2 books, to earn a wage as a writer, and save up and pay monthly until two books are published, be a known author, with real credentials, and see if my book is actually read and receive an income for sharing. 

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