Walking into a West Hollywood meeting I was told outside that “things get better.” Usually when we are not familiar with what stage of life we are in, overwhelmed, and when things seem to be a bit much, is when we are starting over in life, or braving the conditions, and trying again, so that was me going back to AA (2017). Life is full of drama, but no year as dramatic as this past year unfolded, that’s for sure. It was not easy for most of us, to work, recover, start life again after COVID, be social, try to date again, everyone is in different stages right now, and we were all made to think about life. Some of us recovered and excited looking forward to the future again, I think that attitude inspires most of us.
So that’s what the term “keep going” stands for, that once you come out of a down, or a phase of depression, or tiredness, and get going again, you get moving not just for you but for everyone around you, and everyone else counting on you in life, to “keep going,” some got left behind, at home, working from home, taking lesser jobs, part-time, taking it easy, on government paychecks, and not returning to work, but we still had our lives online to grow and bloom, and I think that’s where all the action has been for the most part, not until life started catching up with us too, more people out and about, less masks, more cars, less cars, more traffic, less traffic, there were definitely phases when it seemed like only a few people were out, and wondered where everyone went.
So enjoy the journey back to living life again, there was road to the end of the tunnel and we all took it, as directed, following directions, and before we knew it, we were living life again. Much like going through mental health issues, its your problem, others notice your problem, it becomes a problem for others, then it becomes even scarier for you, and then you are sent to treatment, that’s just how life gets sometimes, either you able to catch and identify what’s wrong, or have faith that someone else will and try to correct the problem for you. With mental health issues there is no catching up with life, you will always feel left behind, but you have to pace yourself, if you don’t heal, you cant get back out there and recover, so you might as well take your time getting to know yourself and improve, before you try to take on additional challenges in life.
Reading is one thing, I think as a blogger I have done my best to allow for words to be put under a microscope, but not necessarily the people I know of their stories, there were failed moments when I shared details or stories from my life, when things were open and safe and the environment around me loving and compassionate, and then things change and take a turn for the worst. Once you are questioned or if anyone does not like you, it then becomes about proving yourself, and if you are someone who is doing well online, people want to either be convinced of some gift that you have in talking to others, or waiting to be convinced that there is some detail about you private, to cause them to not like you or consider you fake or being phony online, so that’s your luck online, you are you until you are not you, and something changes you, and that much you cant anticipate in life, what causes you to be open and friendly, what makes you serious, and what makes you feel hopeful, and what makes you want to be more private, and show less face online. I think its all about how you feel. As someone who writes online, recently all my private conversations have ceased and have become difficult, its like I cant even be my loving self with anyone anywhere, and I don’t know why that’s happened to me. Ive not even been able to move on through dating, usually its something that I invest a lot of time and energy to maintaining and building a commitment with, but I just haven’t had the energy to go all in with anyone, that must be from being single for too long, not ready to date, and more comfortable alone, and hurt easily, and getting attached to too many things or responsibilities and feeling torn or drained. Its hard to get a read anymore, on what to do or say, especially when there are so many variations of reactions around you, to read into or worry about, it seems like no everyone is okay at the same time, and I wonder why that is.
In regards to me on Twitter recently, I understand that Twitter makes me look stupid and talkative, and there is nothing that I can do about it, and when creative sounds stupid or misread as trying to be something Im not. I guess once you get criticized, people fail to see the positive, and think that you are lying to them, or you are heading somewhere inappropriate with what you are saying, or it is reflecting something inappropriate about yourself, or unattractive. I read a post today on what makes a woman unattractive and everyone listed their qualities, and I go yeah that’s exactly how I feel what was done to me, how should I feel if people felt that way about me and are those the reasons or the basis for disqualifying me from sharing pictures online, how is it that I’m preferred to be viewed. I think I struggled for a period like most women, and took bad pictures, and then slowly I improved overtime, I think everyone finds themselves at different points in life, there is no rush, medications weight gain or not.
If things are not getting better for me, then I have to think, what am I talking about, who have I mentioned and what would make things go better. (1) Not to read into what other people are doing with their lives (2) Not to be defensive to the sickness incurred by others at this time (3) Not to harp on my past or bring up self-harm or suicide and how it has affected me in my life (4) Not to bring up a diagnosis of schizophrenia and being treated for it for a year and (5) Not to bring up my love life since that doesn’t seem to be budding and heading anywhere fast either.
I think what people want to know is why people read your blog. (1) It’s because I accepted my diagnosis, I shared about, then I struggled, I improved and I moved forward (all fighting and bullying aside, focused on myself) (2) I wrote and blog and didn’t complain everyday and found something to talk about besides whatever went wrong in my life (3) I got back in touch with old friends (4) I was able to inspire others to be less judgmental of themselves and others (5) I was able to love again even if it was worth making fun of me for (6) I reunited with exes who I once wanted to marry but got sick during the time we dated and had to be alone (7) So what is my happy ending? My happy ending was actually bonding and talking to Todd in private, and improving, it was being able to do the really simple things in life, like talk to someone, and love.
Right now I’m in transition, to starting work again, my Father just past way, my Mom is getting older, and I need to start working and earning a paycheck, it really has nothing to do with my blog which has been doing well, but its an extra commitment, that Im slowly transitioning into a role and work from home. I think all my jobs I will be working from home, the only problem is that I get voices, so Im not sure how I will be able to overcome that hurdle and work, but I guess if I don’t get too tired hearing voices, then I should be able to work, and maybe blog before I start working for the day, to get that out of the way, so I don’t feel pressure all day, like today, constant taunting, and expectation, and negative voices, and then you write, and everything is peaceful, and everything goes back to the way things were, and things seem less daunting, and task oriented on the move go go go mode, I appreciate being at peace, calm.
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