Something that has been very heavy and stressful and pushing me over the edge in life feedback wise by voices, its hard to be honest and to make sure everything goes right towards me in terms of what I say or whats brought up, its in my interests to improve and to let things go, I cant control people, or the past, or how Im treated, I have always noticed people being nicer later so I will continue to have faith in that system of just including less in my life for disappointment. I will always have disability, and at this time its too extremes, from functioning to not functioning, to doing well, to self-harming, it seems once you get voices, things don’t get better, and there is really nothing to keep up with, just review what you have written or said and make sure that its said right and take into account that people will read the writing of others as normal and will be made to believe that your writing is schizophrenic.
So to prove that I have legit pressure and mental difficulty caused by being exposed and losing privileges in life, because I looked stupid and was made to feel stupid in public, I am going to submit 163 lbs and a proper response to a court document and order rejected by the court. I am now going to explain what is going wrong for me professionally and socially, in terms of my health and confidence, and why do I keep getting sick and blamed when sick, and then I have to overpower whats going wrong and perform through mental difficulty and improve and lose 50 lbs to be considered of value and doing everything right in order to make things so extreme in public, I think I write not in emergency, and not handing anything off to anyone as though something is wrong by context or story that’s not intended to make things better for all. There is so much misunderstanding that occurs when you are put on meds and treated as mentally ill and Im not sure what that prevents, but I now realize that if Im the person treated as disease and mentally ill than living my life is prevented by diagnosis to treat me as though I am a bad life or a drug addict who lives a trashy life, to not be allowed to work or be around lives, and that’s what that diagnosis does it turns people off, and it calls a suicide attempt: schizophrenia. Sefl-harming is feeling suicidal for me, and I don’t know why that occurs, or why its happening, and if I have already stated that it can happen by accident and by what types of fights, then Im clear on the feeling was had, and that was the result of feeling that way, and is not my fault. Sometimes when you are exploring life, you look stupid, and sometimes you are being smart.
I had a very painful and difficult year:
- Online bullying and humiliation.
- Rejection from LAPD Detectives to help me.
- Improving and then getting sick again, and then losing 50lbs.
- My relationships with women have not improved, still reject me.
- My relationships with Men have improved, they are proud of me.
- My relationships at home have improved, I just need to stay well.
- My ability to confront the news and speak well is better.
- I am better at saying the right things if things go wrong.
- Im better at not writing too much on Instagram, and putting more value online.
- Im not feeling strong enough to work for others yet, need to be alone.
- Im having trouble setting aside my personal stuff to work for others.
- I have a lot of personal problems now with court, I need to disclose in 163 pgs.
- I need to discontinue talking to women online, not build a network yet.
- I need to blog and be consistent, and work on not getting voices.
- I need to learn how to write and think under pressure and watched.
- I need to focus on performing, and not being scared or say wrong things.
- I need to be forgiving and move on, and set limits, and not accept sickness.
- I need to be clear toward those who may have hurt me, that was not funny.
- I need to be clear that what was hard on my head, was actual hate at my head.
- I think things are better now working online, dedicated to my blog.
- I think people were not impressed by me working, but I was.
- I think working is a good step in the right direction if my blog isn’t valued.
- I want to publish two books because that was my plan, before fan site.
- I wanted to be a writer and an author since Sophomore year, loved writing.
- I understand that I didn’t go to a good college, and it has a bad reputation.
- I understand what is problematic or unimpressive about my life.
- I understand I have to work to get a nicer car, and save money to publish book.
- I recognize I have to look well and feel well, to publish or attend Shorty Awards.
- I recognize that for the majority of issues, should cease to attend an Awards.
- I recognize that by pen name, and by look, I am being punished as a fake woman.
- I understand that people don’t see innocence in me, why the prefer me sick.
- I get that sick looking and obese is a hard concept, why I improved my look.
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