When I say demoralize hate, because that is the strategy or tactic used to cause me to feel scared or to lose confidence in life, or hit my head feel suicidal. To me self-harm is to communicate that I’m suicidal and giving up, so instead of fighting a competing energy or voice being directed toward me, I reinforce that opinion by punching myself in the head so that whoever is causing those voices feel better, that’s what makes people unsure of you feel better about themselves, especially people who are attacking you as though apart of you is in them, and trying to destroy an original or a writer, as though I have influenced someone in a way that has become apart of them that they cant remove from their sense of self, being, body or mind. I’m well aware of things that don’t work out mentally for people, and I’m not one of those to make people think or question themselves, or write in a way that makes you focus on something, or anything I’ve said, to misunderstand as me speaking in the wrong or in a way that doesn’t make sense, I pride myself in making sense, and having something of value to say, each and every day that I write, and that is the permission granted for you to continue on and be a writer, once you have established that you are capable of being a writer for likes, that standard doesn’t change no matter what your circumstances are or topics addressed the same standard of writing, high quality, and attention to detail will continue to be applied in trying to vocalize anything that I deem important to be said and relevant to what is ongoing, or what any pressure seems to feel like.
As a writer online its common for my peace to be disturbed when I am alone, or listening to music, depending on what I’m listening to, and that’s how you get treated when you don’t have security, a bodyguard, representation, technical support, an agent, a full time boyfriend, or an attorney, people think that they have the right to go through your things, delete things, or try to hurt you in private, in a way that will not make sense upon disclosing, that’s to aggravate me or try to frustrate me, so that there will be something wrong with me that I cant explain to try to convince me that there is a group that is attacking me, who I cant see or prove, to cause me to think that I am being weakened or challenged or punished in life, to cause me to question my safety needs, or wonder what anyone would think that is deserved.
I think a high quality space is a place you can visit or go through and don’t get sick, that means everything is organized and labeled and dated and in folders or not, can be searched by word content type or by year and date, that’s how organized I am and official keeping a record of everything made both for private and public use, whether that be a list in my iphone, or a daily log that I’m keeping, or a calendar, its not in my best interests to destroy records of my progress, or details concerning a change in mood, or a suffering that I have encountered as a writer, or as a private person, or a public person online. It’s my belief that because I was injured online and made to feel sick, suicidal, punching my head, and demoralized online and put on medications and not allowed to continue blogging, that I suffered and because I suffered, this gave a false confidence to others that the solution to making anyone feel good about themselves was to beat me up or talk $hit about me or question my direction in life, where I belong, my likeability, or my ability to create a welcomed presence online, devoid of conflict or inner turmoil or disgust.
I thought that I presented well online, and because my presence was weakened, this dampened the spirits of those who were comfortable making fun of me or treating me as though those allegations were real or a direct result of anything I said privately they assumed that I was off putting or inappropriate which I was not, and I also did not declare the opposing party a pervert, for molesting me or making me look stupid in public when he was double my age, and was married and has a kid who did not respect me and thought that I was being pathetic, you know whats pathetic is a person who is not worth your time, so in response, I stopped talking to this person, because honestly if he trashed me online to convince people that I was a waste of space and mentally ill, then I don’t have to care about this persons feelings or try to identify where he is coming from, and just go up in life, and work, date, and have a life in spite of what he tried to convince others, that there was something stupid or defective or mentally ill about my brain and my body, why I’m losing 60 lbs because that would make me feel good and make the terminology being used against me inappropriate.
I am the love interest to three men in my life, and depending on how hard my life is will eventually choose and get married in the future, right now I’m focused on learning how to make money, and how to provide for myself, I think I’m smart enough to work, and to manage a blog, and working does not take away from the importance and focus of my blog, but insult does.
So in light of the several shootings and suicides, I would say that although I was doing well, I was made to look bad online, and because I looked bad online was not able to help people, who thought that they deserved better, or did not feel that they were strong or represented in the positive, credited as being apart of what is going well and what was learned from knowing me in life.
There is no secret understanding to life, either you meet people in life and feel better become a stronger person, or you meet people in life who you challenge mentally and call names, to blame them as though they make you sick. I don’t make anyone sick around me. I’m a life force, a strong person, a star athlete and a star student, that means not only do I feel well when I’m doing well, but I attract the interest of others seeking to do well and interested about what I have going for me in life, and how I got to a place in life where I could make decisions for myself, and make progress, and not give in to the mental illness allegations or sexuality concerns of people, misjudging me as being grose or inappropriate in private.
My sexuality is not grose, my body is not fat or defective it’s the same size no matter what weight Im at, and nothing about me is unphotographable or disoriented and grose looking, with the image of anything unrecognizable or aligned to any criminal interests face of body shape or disfigurement. Why I stopped taking Invega upon going back to work that’s not my choice, nor is discontinuing therapy which I cant afford $250 a visit and Psychiatry $250 a visit, I don’t have that much money and that’s asking for too much money from my Parents, and Mom.
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